“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
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This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Liquor Store Parking
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google