Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
oh my gosh!!
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Perfect
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.