Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003