[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I don’t hate children, just yours.