Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
You Might Also Like
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Spa day..😅
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]