I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.