Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
best first i’ve ever seen
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*