How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.