Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
being a writer on Twitter:
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
wishing you and yours all the best
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide