OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
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Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Catering service
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
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Morningbreath
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*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be