You Might Also Like
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.