Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?