ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.