*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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This squirrel eats better than I do
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle