Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car