My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
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The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do