Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
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Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.