I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
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GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
selena gomez