My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
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*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
never deleting this app.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing