ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”