Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
no one ever comes back
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩