we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Somebody call the cops.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.