I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
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rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.