There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
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Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
i love modern commerce
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED