Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
You Might Also Like
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort