Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.