If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*