Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I feel it
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.