Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
#NeverForget
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.