#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
What a chick magnet..
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.