When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.