If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord