Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
You Might Also Like
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
be careful
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.