The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
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I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Terribly Tuesday.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Optional boss fight.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.