What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
When he asks for feet pics
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Yes
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*