love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing