I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
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*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I only say stupid things when I talk.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I think my mom just blocked me
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
So inspired right now.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)