[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”