My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
i- i did not expect this
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor