Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Mad Max Arctic Road
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”