I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo