Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”