I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
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My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*