Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
i love modern commerce
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
twitter is a journey
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Liquor Store Parking
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS