I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
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waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Weirdly Wednesday.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
remember
only for emergencies
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”