The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
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My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Perfection.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit