3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
You Might Also Like
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Practicing safe sax
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.