my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
it be like that
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.