GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
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Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.