michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
WWE is French for “yes”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Bread puns are on the rise!